I am not ready to die. I really am not ready.

Living with a terminal disease is beyond devastating. 😢

I do my best to be positive and happy. To live my life to the fullest everyday.

But to know, that I have such a limited time, a limited time to love my kids, to laugh in the sunshine, to sit on a beach, to hold my family. To bake a cake, to watch a movie, to go on a walk, to snuggle my dog….

I pray, I see my daughter in her prom dress in a couple of years. I won’t see my daughter’s in their wedding dresses, and someone will be saying to them “your mom would be so proud of you today”

I won’t get to hear my son’s voice when he is excited about a job or anything that happens in his life. He always calls me first. 💕

I won’t get to hold grandchildren.

But the worst part is, I won’t be able to comfort my children, when I have to say goodbye. Because the best hugs, and the best advice and love comes from a mother. And I will be gone, when they need me the most

This is my reality, and no matter how hard I fight, and no matter how much chemo I take, the reality is, that my cancer is terminal, I am dying. And it pisses me off

I know some of you are going to say “we are all dying, and we never know when our time is” Well absolutely effing right! So really think about that. And make it matter.

Imagine a Dr looking at you and saying “I am so sorry, your cancer is back and you are terminal “

I can not put into words how devastating that is.

Today, I am pissed, I am sick, I am tired and I am dying, even though I am fighting my fucking hardest not to.

The worst part is, I spend what days I have left, in hospitals, with chemicals killing me to keep me alive (it’s almost laughable)

I spend my days, sick and tired. To fight for more days of being sick and tired.

So I smile through the tears, pray for a miracle, and ask that you please live like today is your last. Hug the ones you love. Forgive the ones that are taking up your energy. Be happy, fight for your dreams! Make it happen!

Go on vacation. Move to the ocean, or the mountians! Don’t take that stupid job so seriously. Laugh more. Live more. Love more.

If I could show you from my eyes today, how short life is, you would be amazed.

I love my life, regardless of the pains. I appreciate my family and all of my friends, those that I have spent time with and those of you that we have only connected thru fb.

❤️

#smilethruthetears